Asking Eric: Aunt wants information about adopted niece’s birth mother

Dear Eric Twenty-six years ago my mother worked with a married woman who was pregnant with her fourth child but couldn t afford to add another child to her family My sister and husband had a son and demanded a daughter My mom arranged for the two women to meet and my sister adopted the baby For several reason unbeknownst to the rest of the family my sister and her husband decided not to tell her daughter that she was adopted Therefore everyone in our family has kept the adoption knowledge to ourselves My question is should I ask my mom for the birth mother s information name and address My reasoning is that my mom is now and my sister and her husband are in poor soundness I believe my sister has destroyed all documents regarding the adoption so I doubt any paperwork would be discovered by my niece after her passing If my niece ever questioned her heritage then I would have specific information to share with her I m struggling because on one hand I think this is none of my business and on the other hand I think my niece deserves to know the truth when or if the time comes I would not initiate the conversation Struggling for Truth Dear Truth Ask for the information Your sister and her husband put your whole family in an unfair position by making this a lifelong secret Like all of us your niece deserves to know her own history and she should be able to choose whether or not she wants a connection with her birth family While DNA testing wasn t prevalent years ago it s quite common now I ve heard a great number of stories of people finding out new information about their families of origin or discovering family members of whom they weren t previously aware Your niece could find out she s not related to her parents by blood at any time So it s best that someone in the family is able to answer the questions she s bound to have You might also talk to your sister and brother-in-law about your plans Even ask for their assistance This isn t meant to force them into doing something they don t want to do But knowing that you ll be able to bridge the gap in your niece s knowledge may prompt them to have a conversation with their daughter while they still have time Dear Eric There are a group of us five or six who play a tile competition regularly each week While we are all friends sharing stories food life events etc there is one person who continually monopolizes the contest She will hold the bag of tiles during her turn and talk not passing it until she is done While this is a social time if you are waiting to play and also hard of hearing it becomes a nuisance Lately she has also started reading her email during the event truly talking about each one and clicking a reply to each This is while others are playing Then of discipline when it s her turn she looks up from her phone to tell a story and then plan her move I must confess I seem to be the only one annoyed by her behavior so maybe I just need to let it go Any suggestions Turn the Other Tile Dear Tile Oh my this would annoy me too Especially the reading and replying to emails during competition play How engaging could these emails really be Even if it s not evidently bothering other members it s affecting you so there s little harm in inquiring about it Related Articles Asking Eric After parents divorce adult child picks sides Asking Eric Friends insist on inviting themselves over for pool parties Asking Eric After husband gets sober wife gets stuck in a funk Asking Eric Casket photo creates rift in family Asking Eric Fellow girl scout parent won t stop complaining Sometimes I like to approach these let s say quirks in personalities with curiosity first So you might talk to her one on one and say I ve noticed that you check email while we re playing the tile event Is there a reason Maybe there isn t a reason but it opens up a conversation Yes you could go up to her and say It s annoying when you do this but there s only a limited foreseen responses to that and majority of them aren t hostile Starting with a question also sets you up to let it go if need be Maybe it s just how she likes to keep her mind occupied or helps her concentrate Maybe she doesn t see it in the same way you do Context I find is often a steppingstone to acceptance That noted if it s so distracting to you that it impedes your match play it s also fine to ask her to pull it back a bit or to find other options of engaging with the contest The group gathers for social interaction and to pass the time so it s fair for you to advocate for what you need to make the social time truly enjoyable Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com